'I like to pretend I'm Batman': 30 Top Secret Confessions of the Week (March 19, 2023)

Author image for Remy Millisky
Remy Millisky • Writer and Editor
Mar 19, 2023 11:00 AM EDT

Everyone is hiding a few secrets, and these people decided to fess up anonymously. There are tons of submissions to the @fesshole Twitter page every day. Basically, if you have a secret, you can message the account, and they'll post it anonymously, so it can never be linked back to you. Some people's secrets are mundane, but others are so shocking they could ruin a relationship or two. 

The family drama confessions are always eye opening, as are people who admit to messing with their friends or neighbors just for fun. One person got their 10 year old banned from TikTok, a fact they're hiding from their spouse. Another person got their neighbors to move out in a dastardly manner. After these neighbors annoyed them, they left a note mentioning that the guy was cheating on his partner. Lo and behold, they moved out! 

Check out these insane confessions below. Then, read about this woman whose SIL is annoyed that people won't follow her new gifting rule. 

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  • 01
    Cheezburger Image 9744926976
    via J King
  • 02
    Font - When my daughter was born and the wriggly, scrunched up thing was placed in my arms I exclaimed 'She's purple' in abject horror. Midwife smiled and said 'She IS perfect' and I have never corrected anyone when the story of my proud dad moment is regaled.
    via Fesshole
  • 03
    Sky - I pull my zip up and down really quick on my jacket cos it sounds like someone scratching on 80s hip hop record, sometimes I forget and do it on the train, I get looks, I'm 58.
    via Fesshole
  • 04
    Font - When working in a bar I would often accept all the fake notes floating around the town. I would then save them and give them to a t t of customer. When they came to the bar for there next beer I would refuse the note as a fake and argue that he never got it from me
    via Fesshole
  • 05
    Sky - It's our 4 year anniversary soon. In those 4 years, he's cooked once, washed up 6 times, and never done laundry. His anniversary gift will be cardboard boxes to pack his s and me asking for my keys back.
    via Fesshole
  • 06
    Font - My ex and I had our baby names made up and promised that we wouldn't use them if we broke up. We did. I honoured that. She didn't she picked a name I gave her. Not bothered. Was amazed she obviously still thinks about me each time she says her sons name.
    via Fesshole
  • 07
    Sky - I've managed to convince my whole office at work that our printer is haunted by repeatedly printing out a grainy black and white picture of our elderly ex-CEO. Each time I hear the printer printing, I print the picture so he is there waiting for them when they head to the printer
    via Fesshole
  • 08
    Sky - I am a primary school teacher. I had a pet fish in the classroom that died after a couple of weeks but I haven't told the children. So far I'm insisting that I see him after they go home but the kids are becoming sceptical. Currently desperately searching for an identical fish.
    via Fesshole
  • 09
    Sky - My daughter was kicked out from TikTok because she's only 10. I reported her account and got her kicked out. She doesn't know, neither does my wife
    via Fesshole
  • 10
    Sky - Pets at Home think I have 25 pets. I get a £1 voucher from them at each pet birthday. I actually have one cat who gets a birthday treat every 2 weeks.
    via Fesshole
  • 11
    Head - If I have sticky fingers from eating cake I wash them in my mug of tea rather than getting up and finding a tap. It's hot water. No-one else is going to drink it. And in hygene terms it's no different than licking my fingers clean.
    via Fesshole
  • 12
    Sky - My 18 month old says "pear" for any type of fruit. I watched as he said "pear" and chomped into a half a lemon. I didn't try to stop him, just marvelled at his contorted face.
    via Fesshole
  • 13
    Sky - My ex is a lovely, thoughtful, and a very attractive guy who loves me till this day. However he doesn't use there, they're, and their correctly. Telling him how much it annoys me would hurt his feelings, so I broke up with him instead.
    via Fesshole
  • 14
    Sky - My girlfriend is called Kayleigh, and in an attempt to impress her, I taught myself the - quite difficult - chords to "Kayleigh" by Marillion and played it for her on our 1 year anniversary. Turns out she hates that song because she is named after it.
    via Fesshole
  • 15
    Head - Few weeks into an IT job at a top high street bank of which I was already a customer, the state of the place made me move my accounts to a competitor for peace of mind
    via Fesshole
  • 16
    Sky - A couple of years ago I was watching Pirates of the Caribbean and wondered where it was set. I started to Google it, then realised. Took me 18 years.
    via Fesshole
  • 17
    Font - I have a fake cat, Mittens, who gets hit by a car every time I'm on a terrible date or want to get out of an awkward situation. It's becoming really hard to keep track of who I've told about Mittens, repeats would be disastrous and I don't know if I can pull off Mittens II
    via Fesshole
  • 18
    Font - The girl on the Outlook website before you log into your account looks exactly like my ex. Every time I log into my emails I reminisce about our time together and miss her terribly.
    via Fesshole
  • 19
    Font - My wife never used twitter but recently she started an account just to read @fesshole. This is concerning because she's one step closer to finding my account dedicated to fantasy football. Probably all over when she sees I tweet literally non-stop all day about it.
    via Fesshole
  • 20
    Font - I joined Instagram because my wife wanted me to follow her page. Now lots of other women appear on my recommended list and I started clicking on the ones I found attractive. So more and more similar-looking women are in my page, and I definitely have a type. They look like my ex.
    via Fesshole
  • 21
    Sky - I cycle to work in the early hours of the morning. In my shadow I see my coat flapping in the wind and I like to pretend I'm Batman and it's a cape. Sometimes I even put the theme tune on in my pocket. I'm 39.
    via Fesshole
  • 22
    Font - Boss has banned everyone from using the milk for everything apart from tea and coffee. Everyone's ped off about it, but they'd be beside themselves if they ever found out that I've been taking a 4 pint bottle home with me every week since January 2022.
    via Fesshole
  • 23
    Mammal - I was well into my 30s before I realised that when Neil Armstrong said "it's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" he didn't actually do a small step followed by a giant leap.
    via Fesshole
  • 24
    Facial expression - I'm a frontline Police Officer who has access to our rather popular Unit Twitter account. I have great pleasure in unfollowing senior Police Officers within our Force. You have no idea how much they lose their s when they get unfollowed.
    via Fesshole
  • 25
    Font - I've blocked my ex on everything but I still manage to stalk him by the steps on his Apple Watch. I frantically refresh it every hour to try and work out what he's doing and where he could be.
    via Fesshole
  • 26
    Font - I sometimes sit with my father as he winds up phone scammers, pretending to be a wealthy senile old man - for up to 90 minutes. It's been 50 years, but we've finally found something to bond over.
    via Fesshole
  • 27
    Sky - We just made up all the calorie counts on the menu.
    via Fesshole
  • 28
    Sky - I hated the couple next door. They were rude, loud and let their dogs s everywhere. I put a note in their letterbox that said 'he's cheating on you'. The house went up for sale shortly after. I now have a nice, old lady as a neighbour.
    via Fesshole
  • 29
    Cheezburger Image 9744927488
    via Fesshole
  • 30
    Cheezburger Image 9744929280
    via Fesshole

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